I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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