So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
