im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
