you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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