But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
