Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dating After Heartbreak
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
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What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"