shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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