his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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