So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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