Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
