Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
