Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
