Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
