Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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