I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just high enough for therapy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
