I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
