...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
