why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
