I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
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I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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