I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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