I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
