I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
