I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
