I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
