am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
