so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
