between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My ass is underappreciated
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I enjoy the company of your penis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
