so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
