It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
