apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
