I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
