I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
