If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
