No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
