Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
