broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
