I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
