Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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