haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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