You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
