i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
