I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
