i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
