I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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