Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
