wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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