i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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