how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You pole danced in your parka.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
