He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
