If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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