These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Randomize
