im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
