i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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