I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
