she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
