I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
