Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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