You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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