I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
