just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
