Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
