Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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